A hard goodbye...

to facebook? How could that be? And isn't that sad? Not that I'm saying goodbye to Facebook (at least for the foreseeable future), but that I experienced a visible reaction in my gut to doing it? Wow... I had no idea how much I used facebook as my "drug" of feeling connected to people.

What if I miss something?
What if I'm invited to anything?
What if people forget about me?

Really?

What happened to the good old fashioned getting together thing? Well, we do that, but FB allows us to set up a time, place, location and then we spend that time attached to our phones because something else might be going on that we need to be in the know about in order to make plans to do it all again. Have I lost the ability to be fully present with whoever I am currently with? Have I lost my ability to be fully present with my kids? Have I lost the ability to spend some quality time with my husband in the evenings?

Being home with my kids during the day is a good thing... but it is also a hard thing for a person who craves adult interaction and affirmation. I'm lonely. Facebook became my place of saying "hello world... I'm here... guess what I'm doing... no, you don't have to guess because I'm going to tell you and then I'm going to obsessively check back to see how many people "liked" it or commented on it. One or two, great, it was good to see you. Ten or 11, wow, I must be something. People must like me... oh, wait, I haven't seen 2/3 of my "friends" for years. All they "know" of me is what witty (or not) saying I just posted on facebook. The likes/comments are not really saying anything about what they think of me. Bottom line, I've been feeling a bit lonely these days and I'm finding my increased facebook use isn't really helping. Anyone surprised?

So, this is an experiment. Will taking a break from facebook help me to form better connections or will I just continue to feel lonely without my drug to numb me to that loneliness? This is kind of scary, but surely it can't be worse.

So what does the next several days, weeks, months... maybe even a year hold? Perhaps nothing will change or perhaps I will change my obsessive checking of Facebook for obsessive checking of who has viewed my blog. (I do that too.) However, without facebook how will anyone find me here? Maybe I don't want to be found here (cyber world), but here... right where I sit.

That, my friends, is what I want to find out.

On my bookshelf

 I just finished reading Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. Wow, what a breath of fresh air AND a huge challenge for me at the same time. I saw myself over and over again on the pages of her book. I'm still chewing on so much of what she has to say. I found myself asking all kinds of questions of myself and realizing the answers are so a part of the journey of becoming authentically ME!

Here are some of the quotes that struck me:

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. (p. 49)

Brene challenges her readers to:

• embrace the courage to be imperfect; to set boundaries to allow ourselves to be vulnerable
• exercise compassion; realizing that we are all made of strength AND we all struggle
• nurture connection and belonging AND to believe we are enough.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy and gratitute into our lives. (p. 50)

Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is all about playing it unsafe. (p. 52)

I started realizing how much I want to fit in with "the crowd" and wondering how much I've lost of myself in the process. I don't even know what I really like to do anymore.

During my reading of this book and viewing Brene Brown's TED talks (all of which I highly recommend), I came to the realization (one of many) that I spend so much time on the computer because it numbs my feelings of being alone and being afraid to reach out. My journey begins with deactivating my Facebook account and searching out face to face connection. I may update that journey now or perhaps you'll hear about it during one of our face to face conversations:-).

Time to Plant?

For some reason I'm not very motivated to bring down my garden book and start to plan. Perhaps it is the 19 degree weather we woke up to this morning (yet, Daryl rode BIKE to work) or the pile of snow that remains outside my front door (even though it is GONE everywhere else). Maybe I just need to make a baby step and get my notebook from the closet... Spring WILL come, right?