Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I am again. It has been a process full of more questions than answers and honestly, I really haven't spent much time doing it. Between being exhausted as a 23-week pregnant woman chasing after a very adventuresome toddler and a very talkative preschooler, there doesn't seem to be much time in the day for deep thoughts.
So what has prompted my journey down this trail... I'm not really sure... restlessness? boredom? wondering if I'm measuring up... as a mom... as a wife... as a human being? and the follow-up... measuring up to whom? the sometimes/often monotony of the day? the realization that a third child is coming and I'm barely holding my house together with two? wondering if I'm missing something?
The other week our pastor preached a sermon from Hebrews 12 about running the race marked out for us. One of his challenges to us was "whose race are you running?" In the midst of the sermon, I realized that some of my dissatisfaction was because I was "looking over the fence" at the lives of other people and deciding I wasn't doing enough. I am not doing all kinds of neat, crafty things with my girls. I'm not buying/cooking organic. I'm not using cloth diapers. I'm not juggling a career and raising my children. I'm not keeping my house showroom perfect. I'm not selling everything and spending my days with those less fortunate. I'm not... I'm not... I'm not.
So this prompts the questions... what am I doing? Who am I? What does it mean to live my life as authentically me... Dana Olson... and not someone else? What does it mean to be called by the One who made me authentically me? I don't know right now... but maybe that's ok. Perhaps the questions are a good place to start.
1 comment:
Uh huh, yep, I hear ya!
I too struggle with "looking over the fence" instead of asking God to show me what I need to be about in this season, and latching onto His commendation of me as I master the mundane.
I'm praying for you right now.
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